A great thing about having a blog and almost no one reading it, is that its a great way to put down thoughts and even getting some closure, to some degree. I know I could physically write it, but there's something about hitting that publish button that's so satisfying and clear (and instant).
I'm writing a letter (blog post) to my 14 year old self. Although blogs weren't as huge as they are now. I feel like if I could read this (despite being a sceptic/arrogant from such an early age about taking advice or even reading) that maybe I could have done something a little different or maybe felt a little different. Even if it made me think or feel better, or even just put me in a different mind-set for a Wednesday in a school week (one of the most difficult days where there's no resting hangover from the previous weekend and a seemingly infinite lapse between the next available lye-ins). As I'm writing, I feel selfish, as if my childhood was so cripplingly difficult that I need some closure. The epitome of a first world problem. There are clearly many that suffer still in school, but I hope its not as jungle esc as I remember. But its cool/ok I think. If I didn't do something because it feels vaguely vain or self-important then I'd probably not do very much at all. I do feel some guilt but I take that as a grounding feeling. I do hold back on a lot of things that I think might put me in a spotlight, even amongst people I know. I don't love attention and this is just an expression of thoughts, so I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt.
Your House in Telford
Still your House in Telford
Dear 14 year old Dinesh,
Nah, I'm joking.
Chill out man.
I didn't mean it.
Look I wasn't being serious.
You don't suck. I'm sorry.
Look bro (people say bro a lot now), I'm writing (what now feels like a one-sided conversation with imaginary responses) this letter to you because there are still some days I remember being you and feeling sore, feeling excluded, desperately lonely and feeling I don't matter. There are times where I still feel lonely and sore. But now these feelings are mere freckles on the spectrum of emotion. Now they're fleeting feelings and things you'll be able to let go of with more ease.
Those people you're friends with, not friends with, despise or love are not a fair reflection of the evolving population you interact with. Honestly you'll be able to surround yourself with people that you appreciate and that appreciate you. Hopefully you'll show you're appreciation to those you appreciate more often as you surpass me. It'll take some figuring out, but you'll gravitate to those who you're not constantly attempting to seek approval from. That you're not trying to impress. That you don't feel falsely a part of. You won't feel pressured to resort to emulating their 'approved' typically malicious behaviour. Its natural to want to fit in, but what's important is that you understand that while you're playing a part to fit in, those people you emulate don't know what they're doing either. No one does. Its school, a place where people essentially fall into categories without realising it most of the time. It feels long but it'll end like most things do, good or bad. Its ok to be on your own. Its a great thing. Most people have developed an inability to exist on their own. They despise it and are always looking for someone or something. Self-discovery is just as important. Keep listening to music, discovering film and sport. Maybe masturbate less though?
At this point, you're probably thinking, shit, my english is pretty good. Shit is right my friend, shit is right. You're grammar isn't great, but you sure can use a thesaurus. Words like malicious, used so naturally will have you saying Damnnn Dinesh.. People won't get that and will often mistake it for Daniel, but its Dinesh. Don't you let anyone forget it!
You do eventually get a girlfriend. I'm not gonna lie, it takes a long time but someone eventually is sweet, kind and gullible enough to try with you. She's pretty awesome, and you're a lucky son-of-a-gun. Also you don't need to change at all to find or be with her. You're not super confident but that's fine, you don't need to change into a 'massive lad' (synonymous with womaniser, sexist, alcoholic) to find a girlfriend, in fact, opposing that behaviour, allows you to find a girl who's a much better fit, who's understanding, generous and kinder.
That's it for now, as I feel your attention span won't handle much more. Neither is mine to be honest.
Thanks for that.
It might help you or it might not, but I feel better so that's all that matters, isn't it???
You're alright kid.... You're alright.
Wishing you all the best in the future.